the past couple of weeks have been a blur.
i find it hard to believe a whole half semester has gone by and left me in the dust attempting to keep up.
i have been having a lot of trouble with attendance in my music class,
so i decided to drop it.
whatever i guess.
i had a very interesting talk last night with kori via text messaging.
i hate text messaging.
actually,
i hate the phone in general.
phones are like collars and leashes that tie you down while allowing everyone and anyone to know exactly where you are at all times.

my name is "black chocolate,"
and i am mag's phone.
i am mag's beacon of claustrophobia.
he hates me,
but when i am gone,
he cries for me.

anyways,
my conversation with kori damp was about loneliness and the friends you make in college.
some people say that college is the most important four years of one's life.
i don't know if i believe that.
because if i do,
then it's gonna be a pretty lonely existence for mag, here.
i miss weedle,
i miss devin,
i miss ben,
i miss tim,
i miss bryanna,
and i miss all the people (including those outside of new mexico) in my life dearly.
but this is life.

i worry too much.
i worry about some of my housemates,
i worry about my mother,
i worry about my sister,
i worry about school.
i can't concentrate on anything at this point.
school is meaningless to me right now.
i can't find the motivation to succeed.

bleh.
more later.

mag

depressing movies really get to me

What causes man to hate?
What causes human beings to steal, hurt, murder?
What drives those that are willing to give up their lives to oppress?
What gives us the incentive to destroy the things that others love most?
Why are we intolerable?
Why are we ignorant?
Why are we so unmotivated?

I think I'm asking the wrong questions.
I guess instead of why or what,
I should be asking,
"How do we solve these problems?"
"How do we reconcile the things we have done?"
"How do we learn to forgive?"

Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
Is it even worth fighting for?
Is there a reachable goal I can see somewhere off in the distance,
like a white flag being waved across a bloody field of violence and despair?
And if not,
what's the point?
Why try?

I hate tying politics into things,
but this is also how I see the elections as well.
People call me a vote waster,
a spoiler.
Because I voted Ralph Nader for 2008.
But I believe it ties into my convictions and quest for better change for the future.

I voted for Nader because I saw a goal in the distance.
If I didn't,
I would not have voted at all.

Like I said,
I hate tying politics into things.
But this is the way I want to live my life.
This is how I hope to live my life.

Despite the set backs,
besides the detriments,
besides the pretentious voices sneering at me so facetiously.

I see an end goal that is reachable,
that is possible.
Otherwise why keep trying?
Why put myself through the shame,
the hardships that are obviously in store?
If you believe in something, go for it.

I see racism,
hate,
ignorance,
violence,
intolerance,
I see all of these things and I plan to fight for change.
To make things better.
Maybe from the inside,
the outside,
as a civil servant,
as a humanitarian--
I want do something.
Something that I know in my heart is right.
Something I know is the right thing.

I'm weak,
inexperienced,
unintelligent,
unorganized,
but I still believe.
Otherwise,
why keep believing?