the past couple of weeks have been a blur.
i find it hard to believe a whole half semester has gone by and left me in the dust attempting to keep up.
i have been having a lot of trouble with attendance in my music class,
so i decided to drop it.
whatever i guess.
i had a very interesting talk last night with kori via text messaging.
i hate text messaging.
actually,
i hate the phone in general.
phones are like collars and leashes that tie you down while allowing everyone and anyone to know exactly where you are at all times.

my name is "black chocolate,"
and i am mag's phone.
i am mag's beacon of claustrophobia.
he hates me,
but when i am gone,
he cries for me.

anyways,
my conversation with kori damp was about loneliness and the friends you make in college.
some people say that college is the most important four years of one's life.
i don't know if i believe that.
because if i do,
then it's gonna be a pretty lonely existence for mag, here.
i miss weedle,
i miss devin,
i miss ben,
i miss tim,
i miss bryanna,
and i miss all the people (including those outside of new mexico) in my life dearly.
but this is life.

i worry too much.
i worry about some of my housemates,
i worry about my mother,
i worry about my sister,
i worry about school.
i can't concentrate on anything at this point.
school is meaningless to me right now.
i can't find the motivation to succeed.

bleh.
more later.

mag

depressing movies really get to me

What causes man to hate?
What causes human beings to steal, hurt, murder?
What drives those that are willing to give up their lives to oppress?
What gives us the incentive to destroy the things that others love most?
Why are we intolerable?
Why are we ignorant?
Why are we so unmotivated?

I think I'm asking the wrong questions.
I guess instead of why or what,
I should be asking,
"How do we solve these problems?"
"How do we reconcile the things we have done?"
"How do we learn to forgive?"

Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
Is it even worth fighting for?
Is there a reachable goal I can see somewhere off in the distance,
like a white flag being waved across a bloody field of violence and despair?
And if not,
what's the point?
Why try?

I hate tying politics into things,
but this is also how I see the elections as well.
People call me a vote waster,
a spoiler.
Because I voted Ralph Nader for 2008.
But I believe it ties into my convictions and quest for better change for the future.

I voted for Nader because I saw a goal in the distance.
If I didn't,
I would not have voted at all.

Like I said,
I hate tying politics into things.
But this is the way I want to live my life.
This is how I hope to live my life.

Despite the set backs,
besides the detriments,
besides the pretentious voices sneering at me so facetiously.

I see an end goal that is reachable,
that is possible.
Otherwise why keep trying?
Why put myself through the shame,
the hardships that are obviously in store?
If you believe in something, go for it.

I see racism,
hate,
ignorance,
violence,
intolerance,
I see all of these things and I plan to fight for change.
To make things better.
Maybe from the inside,
the outside,
as a civil servant,
as a humanitarian--
I want do something.
Something that I know in my heart is right.
Something I know is the right thing.

I'm weak,
inexperienced,
unintelligent,
unorganized,
but I still believe.
Otherwise,
why keep believing?

We are a generation filled with empty promises. We are devoid of any motive, any struggle, any universal pain that moves us forward as one. We watch as older generations run the world for us, and we do so with happy eyes, ignorant to the fact that we are someday going to be those older generations. We are leaderless and we are depressed. We are self sabatoging and destructive to our very own goals. We are mean to one another and we are spoiled. There are few that demand inspiration, but fail to see it before our eyes. There are few that give inspiration, but are left unknown and without anyone to listen. When there is pain we accuse others and blame our lack of fortune on those around us. We refuse to question. We refuse to fight. We are filled with rebellion, but not against our stagnant lives, but instead we rebel against change! Change is terrifying. We endanger our lives and sanity with drugs, abuse, sex, violence, but we refuse to endanger our lives for difference! We refuse to endanger our lives for the things we should care about! Poverty, Hunger, Peace, Love, the Environment! Where are we? Are digressing?

I am a liar, an ego maniac that loves the sound of his own voice. I enjoy using large words to make myself feel more like an intellect--an intelligent human being that starves for the sound of approval and praise.

timeless measure

I am such a lazy ass.

I haven't been able to do much lately, and everything is so confusing at this point, like timeless measure in music where you know you can't follow the count, but you keep trying anyways. I feel as though everything in my life is like that. I'm trying to follow the course and the actions, but I just can't keep up. Maybe it's because of my laziness and lack of passion, but I'm fucking lost, man.

I have no clue where I am with my future, with the relationships I hold with friends, with a girl I really care about, anything that concerns me is lost in tempo... or lack thereof.

That sounds really depressing, but I don't think it really is. I must clarify and articulate that. I am not depressed or melancholy towards my life, I am just merely explaining or assuring myself of the place that I am currently in.

My article on Ralph Nader was published and released today in the Chimes. It was a pretty well written article, with much aid from Benjamin Alford, whom I am very thankful for. He has definitely shaped my political views, and discussions with him and the house mates (Brendan, Pat, Matt, and Asa) have dried my views to concrete. It's a wonderful life, and it's a wonderful process figuring out who you truly are, and what you truly believe in.

mag.

music, jealousy, and missing.

Today a friend of mine asked me to check out his music page for a band he was in. Naturally, I clicked on the link expecting something of poor sound quality and taste. I was more than surprised when I when to his site and heard really good music.

I had mixed emotions about his band. When it comes to music, I become very analytical and I love breaking parts down and finding out what makes the song special. When I heard his band play on their site, I became almost... Jealous. Jealous at the fact that he and his fellow comrades created something they believed was good (which it definitely was) and I sat here in my room, my calloused fingertips longing for a fret board to slide up and down on. The main emotion I felt was jealousy. I was jealous at the fact that these guys were doing what they loved and they all were dedicated to it. I think I'm the only one I know that loves what I do and wants to be completely dedicated to it, while everyone else, including the people in my band, treat it like it's just a deep closet hobby.

Now for a transition.

It's been an interesting week, and as school draws closer and closer, I miss people more and more. Obviously not the people here in Grand Rapids, but the people back home... or in Texas. I wish I could drop what I was doing and get the fuck out--yet at the same time, I don't want to leave because I love the people here as well.

I can hear the rain hitting the roof of the house as I type in this post, and all I can think about is how soaked I might get if I decide to drive my MoPed to Calvin. I think I might just go for it. It might be an interesting ride.

Morning Star... or Seventy-Six... Whatever it's called...

I find myself at "Seventy Six" or "Morning Star" (I don't know what the hell the place is called) far too frequently as of late. The causes are definitely due to Asa or the fact that the only place I can get internet is... well, here.

I've been trying to get a hold of some Nader lawn fixtures, but I have no idea where to get any. Everyone is almost completely moved in, but all of my things are a mess. All of my possessions are littered in random areas of the house until Graham leaves tomorrow... Then I can start moving my things into one confined area of the house.

Christ, I'm a mess.

So I've tried to quit smoking, but I planned on doing it gradually since quitting "Cold Turkey" is just way too difficult considering I've been smoking for the past six years. I think. Whatever, I guess it's not as big of an issue for me right now like trying to get my life together.

But the house looks nice.

And the housemates are pretty great people.

The smoke in this place is starting to make my head hurt. More on my life later.